Confidence is hard. We are all bombarded with images of perfection, men and women alike, all day which shape our views of what we should or shouldn't look like, where we should or shouldn't have curves/cleavage/tone/muscle, etc. If you don't fit the mold, you should fix it right? But what mold? Everyone has their opinion of sexy, so to whom should I appeal? What do I even find sexy? Even when you are "perfect" by one person's standards, there always seems to be someone else ready to knock you down for something else.
My own struggle with confidence lately has been a little because of what I think I should look like, but mostly it's been because I know what I can look like, based on how I've looked in the past. A little over a year ago, I felt like I had the perfect body, and I let so much of my self-worth be derived from that image that it was easy to forget all the other things that make me amazing. Suffice it to say, I lost all of my confidence as soon as I lost that "perfect" body. I am writing this today, my most personal post ever, to get off the path of negativity and onto one of affirmation and optimism that stems from more than what physique I currently possess.
When I split with my ex-husband in Oct 2013, my brain knew I was in danger, so it reacted by flooding my system with all kinds of hormones and neurotransmitters that put me in a physiologic state similar to that of someone high on cocaine. Though I have never used that drug, I know that it causes you have excess energy, require less sleep and less food, and burns a LOT of calories. I was exercising all the time, had endless energy, barely had any appetite, and lo and behold, the pounds literally melted away. I dropped 15+ pounds in a month by barely trying. My confidence was through the ROOF, and I was unstoppable! I wasn't going to suffer through this divorce, I was going to thrive!! I never felt better, and the world was my oyster!
I also fell in love with someone that could never love me in the same way. I didn't see the red flags because my brain was not effectively using areas I needed for critical thinking and decision making. I acted impulsively and a bit crazy at times, but I was so sure I was doing the right thing. When that "relationship" ended, so did the gravy train of endorphins. I crashed, and I crashed hard. I hid it well and by all appearances to those around me, I was just fine, but inside I was empty. My life got much more hectic and I had less time to work out. The pounds slowly started creeping back on, and my confidence and self-worth started to deteriorate. Since that time, I've had ups and downs, but mostly I find myself looking back on the "good ole days" when I was sleek and sexy and had everything going for me, and I've been trying to get back to that.
That way of thinking needs to stop. I need to stop doing things or eating/not eating foods to get back what I once had. Life is about evolving and moving forward, and we will always be changing. I can't stay stuck on some image from my past that I think was perfect, or I'll never move towards my future. I need to focus on my attributes other than appearance, and really find what makes me happy, and what makes life worth living!
I have a lot of interests and there are a lot of things at which I excel, so sometimes it's hard to focus. I've probably changed my mind on what career suits me best five times in the past year alone. I guess I am writing all this to publicly declare and confirm to myself that I know what I want in life. I know that I love food. And beer. And baked treats. Not just any, but high-quality, made-from-scratch, food/beer/baked treats.
I myself, am a baker. I LOVE baking, and creating things for people that they didn't know they needed until they take that first decadent bite and wonder what they've been missing in life until that moment. OK, maybe I haven't made anything THAT good yet, but I've gotten some pretty strong reactions to my treats ;). I want to do that, all the time. I want to work in a restaurant, or own my own, and give people that amazing experience they didn't know they were missing. I've imagined owning my own restaurant since I was a kid, so I don't know why it's taken me so long to figure that out.
Now, eating a lot of good food and having a slim, toned body doesn't naturally go together. However, I also happen to LOVE exercising. I've been training for my triathlon for the past few weeks, and I have loved every bit of it. I've come to realize that I don't need to compete to be the best or to win, or to sculpt that sleek athletic body. I just want to compete for myself, because I love every grueling moment of each sport. I want to compete to prove to myself that I can complete something. I used to be a quitter when I was a kid. If I didn't feel like finishing a race, I would just fake an injury to get out of it. I know I'm not that way anymore, and I want to finish triathlons to show myself that I'm awesome and amazing and that I've evolved past that childish way of thinking.
This is convenient, because I burn a lot of calories during training. I've enjoyed being able to justify each "bad" thing I've eaten in the past month or so because I just ran/swam/biked however many miles to "earn" that treat. However, I don't want to have to feel like I need to justify everything I consume. Even when I bike 30 miles or whatever, I still chastise myself for eating a brownie, or drinking a beer, because I have this image in my brain of what my body needs to look like, and I constantly harp on myself if I stray from the path of achieving that goal. I want to be able to eat and drink what I want because I enjoy that thing, and not hate myself for that. I also want to stay healthy, so by exercising like I do I know I will build muscle and increase endurance and improve my blood pressure, and gain all those other great benefits of regular exercise.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with having a "sweet tooth" or enjoying a few great beers, even if they're calorie-dense, or just wanting something cheesy because it's fucking delicious. We are told certain foods are "good" or "bad" and we have emotional responses when consuming these foods based on what society tells us we should feel. So what if my daily activity didn't fully burn all the calories I ate, and then some? If I go to my grave tomorrow, will I value my six-pack abs, or regret that creme brulee I turned down because I didn't want to be "bad?"
For me, I would regret the food, because food is an experience, and that's what life is about. Not that all of our experiences in life need to be about food, but since food is something I enjoy so much, I get a lot out of culinary tourism. I want to travel, and eat, and exercise NOT to achieve some perfect physique I think I should have, but because I truly enjoy doing those things, and doing these things makes me a more interesting and cultured person. I simply won't be that boring person that can only talk about one thing all the time and only cares about the superficial.
I have decided to change my way of thinking. I know it won't be easy, but by making it public, maybe it will help me. I will pursue all of my interests and goals in life, and do the things that make me happy, and I'm going to do that and not worry about how my body looks. My body is amazing. It is strong, and capable, and I am able to do amazing things with it. I can run for a long time, and I can swim really well, and I can lift things and do things that a lot of people can't, and those are the things that I will value! Who cares if you can't see my six-pack? How would that help me carry heavy things on my own, or swim to save someone in the ocean, or run a mile to help someone in need? Those are all things I can do now, and have done in my past, and it didn't matter if I looked like a Victoria's Secret model when I was doing them. I don't ever want to walk down a runway, so why would I need to care if I could?
The title of this post is the title of a Sara Bareilles song that truly speaks to me. It is about not comparing yourself to anyone else, just being happy being YOU. I absolutely adore the song and have always found it inspirational, but I've still struggled with truly adopting that manner of positive-thinking and just being really happy with who I am. I am going to change that. I WILL be that being of confidence, because what is there to not be confident about? I'm fucking awesome. My particular brand of crazy may not gel with everyone's, but that doesn't mean it's not a good one. You can't please everyone, but you can definitely make yourself happy, and it needs to start by telling yourself you ARE awesome, every day.
This is my goal. Positive affirmations. No more body-shaming. No more comparing myself to Sarahs past. My focus will be on learning and growing and doing things that I enjoy, simply to enjoy doing them, not to "improve" my body.
I know that nothing I've said or written in this blog is anything new or particularly inspirational. I know that there are plenty of confident, amazing people out there that already live their life in this way, but more often than not I see the negativity and body-shaming that makes it hard to get on board. Not anymore. From now on, that message in that song won't just be wishful thinking. From now on, I really do just wanna be like me!
